Internet Columnist & Ebook Writer
Another pair of eyes - looking to help make it better!
become or make different, substitute or replace something, pass from one state to another
Recently a reader asked;
I've been dating this same guy since I was seventeen. I won't say how old I am now, but I will say that we have children together and one is an adult now. Our past is filled with wonderful memories and some sadness, but overall, we have shown each other that love is more important than most things. Most recently I've noticed a change in him and his behavior. No, not that he's seeing someone else; it's his desire to live differently than how we've been living. We've talked about his desires to start anew together and move to a new place, save more money, run the household better and just live over all better. I can see the changes he's making to prepare to live this new life and I'm still doing the same ole thing. Although I agree in words and am willing to change with him, he gets frustrated when I keep doing things the same way I've always done them. I try real hard, but I find myself without thinking - doing it like I've always done. I haven't told him, but I am afraid and scared about living somewhere else. Where will I work? What will I do if I don't know this new place?
First I have to say: change or changing for the better is a healthy process when done in a positive way. The processes of growing and learning are submerged in change, without it we all would have simply never become adults. Remember way back, to when you were in elementary school and how the everyday excitement of learning something new, coupled with the moment you shared it made your days come alive! It's only when we've come to a point of; feeling like we don't need, can't learn or our habit prevents us that we make our lives and those around us harder to live.
So try a few new focus points,
- Habits formed over any period of time - can be changed
- Pre-planning make changes flow smoother
- Accept that change can be positive - if done correctly
Research shows that when change is difficult, most choose to stick with what they know, the default behavior, because they lack confidence in their choice. But, if one can't continue with the same behavior it seems the winning choice is to do nothing at all about changing. It's also known that many wait to reach a specific point or situation, usually a negative one, to make a reluctantly sudden change out of desperation or fear. In some cases, refusing to change can create a bigger problem: i.e. severed relationships, lost opportunities or a life filled with disappointment.
Ask yourself these questions and answer yourself with honesty and truthfulness;
- Am I avoiding change?
- Am I willing to identify my current defaults and make change(s)?
- Do I really believe I can make a positive change?
- Am I willing to step into the unknown and create something new?
- Is losing my relationship worth avoiding change?
Then the process...I suggest;
The Self-Evaluate Process:
This process involves one party (yourself) looking at you from a factual perspective. Go back in time to remember choices you have made, the real facts to why you choose the path(s) you chose and what was/were the outcome(s). Ask yourself if your choice(s) bettered your life and the life of those around you. Then switch to the future. Imagine your life if you made the changes suggested. What new world to live in would you be creating and how you would make it the best for everyone involved. If you need, write things down on paper. Compare your life now to a new created life on paper and realize the betterment. Use this as your pre-plan for change and you will have made your first positive step towards change.
Rick's Thought To Remember
By avoiding change you are sending out the message that you are happy the way things are on the simplest level and have possibly decided that you don't need/want to learn new things. Understand that being fearful, afraid and scared of change can also be learned behaviors. Losing relationships, opportunities and etc aren't worth avoiding change. As adults, we have the luxury of pre-planning change which in itself can inspire, over power fear, break down walls and usher in a fresh breath of life - so many of us need and deserve. Positive change is the best change of all - hands down.
Until next time: Live, laugh, love & relationship!
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Posted In: Advice Relationship
Tags: relationships, change, love, life, relationship advice